Dear 17, (re: sleep, adhd, anxiety, Mo)

DEAR 17

(RE: Sleep. ADHD. ANXIETY. Mo.)
fullsizeoutput_593Mo: I don’t know where or when I learned it, but I learned to just go to sleep.

Me: That’s it…. That’s the problem, I didn’t. I never learned how to go to sleep.

Mo: I know. I see it. I can fall asleep anywhere, anytime. It’s great.

Me: If something is on my mind, my ADHD brain won’t shut down; I’m up for hours trying to figure it out or get it out. When I do go to sleep, my anxiety wakes me up worrying about what I need to do and I can’t go back to sleep worrying that I’ll forget to do it! It’s a VICIOUS CYCLE. I hate it. It’s a very unpleasant world to live in. It never goes away either. But, I do it, I deal with it, so yea, that…

 


I wish you could know that’s what it is. It would save so much of you. If only I could tell you that’s what all those sleepless nights are from. ADHD and Anxiety. Sorry. It’s gonna hurt for a while until you figure it out.

Oh, yea. Morgan. 🙂 He’s still here. There will be quite a hiatus, but it all works out in the end. Enjoy what you learn while you fly solo.

Truly though, we never do quite get over Morgan, good thing too. He takes damn good care of us. As you see by the convo above (btw- you’re 46 now). You and Morgan are the best of friends closer than any of your other friends, you are each other’s center. Damn good thing too, you won’t be able to live without him, and sometimes you’ll want to lock him out of the house. You will once or twice. But seriously, trust the bond.

If he wasn’t here, we would seriously fall part. Not just the heartache part, we’ve already lived that one, it will never be as hard as the first time, trust me. It hurts each time, but you’ll outgrow that part a little each time too. The heartache is livable; it’s the day to day taking care of one another that you won’t be able to live without. Not just because you love him, but because you need him. He fills in your blanks. He knows where to support that ‘effn ADHD and anxiety stuff. It really does interrupt our world. He’s there to catch us when we fall. He makes us look damn good.

Step back when you need to, but fight for that shit, you hear me! He’s willing to deal with all our BS, maybe because he knows he has his own. Don’t we all. You don’t even know yet, but you’ll learn. He’s ours, don’t let the next few years worry you too much. You can hold your own. You’ll get some support, take it. Enjoy life. You only live your 20s once. Oh, jeez, sorry, you have no idea what I’m talking about. Just don’t blink.

So, also, a little heads up on that ADHD and Anxiety thing… it’s gonna get in the way, it will take you a while to figure out, but you’ll still succeed, you don’t have a choice. None of us do, and somehow you figure that out. Follow your gut… most of the time, 😉

That’s all I have for now. I’ll be sure to fill you in more as it comes to me. I’ve got a few other things written down, not so sure I’m ready to share ALL THAT yet though. You know. It’s still pretty fresh for you right now.

As these thoughts come to me, I’m writing them down. I wish you could really read them. Who knows, maybe, someday you will and that’s why I’m sitting here writing them.

More soon.

Love you, Me.

fullsizeoutput_117
Some random Sunday out enjoying the Shore and some music.

 


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