I know I look perfectly fine, the picture of health to some… that’s because pain is invisible.

I can’t even remember a time when I didn’t have some sort of pain to deal with, sometime during my childhood I guess. I remember complaining that my back hurt when my mom would ask me to vacuum when I was a kid, probably 10 or 11 years old.

I do remember all the things my mom and the doctors used to do to try to help… lifts on my shoes (like I’d ever wear them for fear of being teased), sports, weight training, chiropractors, and even painkillers when I was in my teens (that didn’t go very well).

It’s been decades of pain, therapies, missed work, missed fun, missed sleep, missed… life… it gets old.

I’ve always been one to try to keep myself active and healthy. I’ve been working pretty hard to try to get my body in really good shape the past few years. I’ve been toning my muscle with various types of exercise, eating a less inflammatory diet, even changed careers so that I can take better care of myself. It helps… most of the time.

Until I flare… this time, it was such a simple moment. The trigger usually is, it’s usually something most people won’t think twice about.

I was going to pick my daughter up from the school bus. I was just a couple blocks from my house. Someone ran a stop sign. Fortunately, I have good reflexes. I slammed on my brakes… no impact. I felt it though. THAT was the trigger. I felt the immediate tightening in my left trapezoid, it started behind my left ear, went to my shoulder and then straight down my back. That was 4 days ago.

Currently, I can’t get away from the pain and it’s driving me so crazy I don’t know if I want to scream or cry or take a knife to my back and cut it out.

I’ve been up since 4:44, and that was after waking no less than 4 times during the night. I even went to bed early hoping for a good nights sleep. It was not a good night.

It’s miserable.

It’s debilitating.

It’s depressing.

It’s defeating.

I haven’t worked out in 4 days. I need to work out to feel better. I’m going to try some yoga in a few minutes, but right now, my mind just won’t stop, so I write.

I need to get my head together. Today is an exciting day. It’s a day I’ve waited months for.

I hate when this happens.

I don’t schedule a lot of things in my life. I don’t commit to much because I don’t know if I’m going to be able to fulfill that commitment. It’s hard. I want to fulfill my commitments, not doing so just adds to the pain and defeat. It has affected relationships and even my career. I don’t like it. I do try to make the best of it, but sometimes it gets the best of me.

Today, it will NOT.

Today, I will enjoy a family day with my kids and my mom and my nephew and sister-in-law. I will carry my peppermint essential oil to help with the pain. I will fight the tears and enjoy the show; hopefully, it will take me away for a few hours to the plains of Africa. We’re going to see The Lion King today. I know I will enjoy it. I know I will enjoy the time with my family. I will overlook the pain the best I can. I’m used to it.

I’ve done just about everything in my life in pain, it’s not new, it’s old, it’s so ef’n old!

I WILL NOT LET IT STOP ME.

So I do what I do and just keep going.

ALWAYS KEEP GOING.

What do we have if we don’t enjoy the journey? Sometimes it’s just a little more challenging than others.

I will survive whatever this wild and crazy life throws at me. What choice do I have?

I have so much to share and to be grateful for, but I could do without this fibro-crap!