parenting

Effective Parenting… Important for all kids, but especially important for raising kids with ADHD!

/ Katie P. Tolley, RN, MSN, CPNP-PC / Leave a comment

Effective parenting takes time and effort, no doubt about it!!

For kids with ADHD, effective parenting is a must whether these kids are medicated or not medicated.

This information will be useful for all parents, not just those raising ADHD kids…

Does the child with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) need to be medicated?? Yes and No… that’s clear as mud, huh? First, it’s crucial to make sure that what you are dealing with is ADHD! Many children will present with symptoms that might appear to be ADHD, but are actually symptoms of other disorders. ADHD can present  differently for different kids. Yes, there are the classic symptoms, but not all children are as obvious as others. For diagnostic information about ADHD, check out my post, Hyperactive or Just Busy…Could your child have ADHD?

If it’s not ADHD, what else could it be? Some disorders that may present as ADHD could be anxiety, depression, lead poisoning, thyroid dysfunction, vision problems, food allergies/sensitivities, sleep apnea or something else entirely. Making sure your child has the appropriate evaluation is the first step to proper treatment.

I see many preschool age children that are brought in by their parents for behavior problems, it’s most frequently boys vs. girls. I’ve mentioned in previous posts that both boys and girls can have ADHD, but boys are diagnosed 2:1 over girls. I always say that God made boys to hunt and gather, not sit still for 8 hours. 😉 Perfect example – I saw a little boy this week for behavior problems, he is 3 years old and his mother thinks he has ADHD. The first thing I do is ask why the parent thinks the child has ADHD? Jason’s mom reported that he got in trouble in preschool A LOT, was biting other kids, was constantly in time-out, talks non-stop, and his dad has ADHD. After meeting with Jason and his mom, I think he might have ADHD, but at 3 years old I NEVER label a kid as ADHD. And, I would NEVER medicate a 3 year old for attention problems or hyperactivity; 3 yr olds are supposed to be active and have a very short attention span. If a child this young presents with problems, he needs a though neuro-psych evaluation!

There are many interventions that I recommend for young children with behavior issues that resemble ADHD. These interventions can make a huge difference for a family, and must be consistent! These interventions take time and effort on the part of parents. They are useful for all kids of all ages, but especially necessary for kids with ADHD. Many of these interventions are just good, effective parenting:

  • Routine is unbelievably important. Doing things according to a schedule helps a child learn what to anticipate day after day. Using lists or pictures can be helpful to remind children what they are responsible for and keep them on task.
  • Make sure the rules are clear and followed consistently. If you have rules that are only enforced some of the time, the child will not know when they do or don’t have to follow the rules. This leads to frustration for the child and the parent. And, needless to say, inconsistent results!
  • Give the kids something to be responsible for…this could be helping to take care of pets, taking out the trash, or other chores around the house. This helps the child feel important, learn responsibility, and also builds self-esteem.
  • Praise and Positive Reinforcement is a must for disciplining all children, especially children with ADHD. Recognize & Praise good behavior and accomplishments. Just getting homework or small chores done can be challenging for children with attention issues.
  • Limit “screen time” – This includes all screens, such as TV, video games, computer, etc. Screen time should be limited to just 2-3 hours per day, and should be turned off at least 1 hour before bedtime. This isn’t hard to enforce during the school year because there is limited free time after school. It is a little more challenging during the Summer. Being more liberal with this rule during the summer is ok, just remember, you will see a difference in the child’s behavior; and it is essential to get back into a school routine a week or 2 before school actually starts.
  • Have a good bedtime routine with an acceptable bedtime. Kids in preschool and early elementary grades should be in bed by 7:30-8:30, upper elementary should be 8:30-9, middle school 9-9:30, and high school should be between 9-10. For more information about sleep, please see my blog, Sleep is Crucial for Healthy Development. A tired child has trouble focusing, paying attention, and retaining information. For preschool aged children, there is a significant correlation between hyperactive and impulsive behavior and short sleep duration.
  • Watch what your child is eating, 3 healthy meals and snacks are important for good brain function. Adding essential fatty acids to a child’s diet helps promote good brain function. Eliminate artificial food dyes (AFDs) from the child’s diet. AFDs have been proven to increase hyperactivity in the majority of children. A study done in Great Britain in 2006 documented that 75% of children demonstrated hyperactive behavior correlated with ingestion of AFDs and Sodium Benzoate. I have recommended this intervention to many families, and received many Thank You’s because it makes such an obvious difference in the child’s behavior. I firmly believe that AFDs should be eliminated from our food supply altogether. AFDs have been outlawed in Canada, Britain, Germany and a few other countries.
  • If your child has allergies, treat allergies with a daily allergy medication. Allergies can make ADHD worse! Allergies are a hypersensitivity, ADHD is a hypersensitive state…1+1=2, it’s that simple.
  • Exercise, exercise, exercise! Physical activity helps to regulate the neurotransmitters that are dysfunctional in those with ADHD. Tell your kids to run around the house a few laps before dinnertime, it gets the wiggles out.
  • Whatever they are good at, encourage it! Whether their forte’ is math, sports or building things, encourage it! Without our multitasking, intelligent ADHDers, we would not have telephones, airplanes, or many of the inventions and discoveries we take for granted everyday. My above mentioned ADHD post expands on this, check it out!

Do I think these interventions will keep a truly ADHD kid from needing medication? Probably not, it depends on the severity of the ADHD. If I child has mild symptoms, the above interventions may be beneficial enough to avoid the need for meds. If a child has moderate to severe ADHD, they will need medication along with the above interventions.

I can’t expresses how important these “effective parenting” interventions can be, even for those children that need medication. Medication alone will not be enough for a child with true ADHD.

I’ve had many parents come back to me and tell me how much these interventions have helped make their life better. I can tell you personally, that they do make a difference in our family. I’ve shared Joshua’s story with you, he is the definition of Inattention and Hyperactive. If you haven’t read Parenting = Biggest Rewards + Most Frustrating Job You Will EVER Have!!, check it out for a little more insight on raising Josh. Joshua literally spun in circles for many years during his early childhood prior to the elimination of AFDs from his diet. I used to refer to him as Taz, the Tasmanian Devil. After a few days with no AFDs, the spinning stopped!! It was unreal!! It turned my little Tasmanian Devil back into a sweet, funny, and interesting little boy. He was still busy, but it was obvious that he had more control over his behavior.

Children with ADHD take extra time and effort, but the extra parenting will pay off someday when they are able to accomplish their goals. The time and effort will build self-esteem, intellect, and help your child grow to be the healthy and happy person you will always be proud of.

All kids take lots of parenting effort and energy. Each child comes with their own unique challenges, no doubt about it. Being the parent of an ADHD kid will take more patiences, time and effort than parenting the average kid. Your efforts will pay off though, I promise!!

Whatever parenting challenges you face, I hope you always remember to ENJOY THE JOURNEY!

Small Dose #13 – Getting the “Wild Things” back to a Sleep Routine

/ Katie P. Tolley, RN, MSN, CPNP-PC / Leave a comment

HI! I wanted to write a short post to help you get those kiddos back into a bedtime routine before school starts.

It’s fun to hang with the “Wild Things” during the summer!

If you are anything like us, your kids have had a liberal or non-existant sleep schedule during summer. That is one of the fun things about summer when you are a kid!!

I recommend getting back into some sort of routine 1 -2 weeks before school actually starts. Kids don’t automatically just go to bed at 8:30 if they have been able to stay up until 10:00 for a few months.

So, here is my advice for getting things back on schedule:

1. Start your kids on a consistent bedtime. Pick whatever their average bedtime has been.

2. Every 2-3 nights make that bedtime earlier by 15 or 20 minutes, i.e.: start at 10pm a few nights, after 2 nights make it 9:45, then a few nights later make it 9:30, etc…

3. Turn the TV OFF!! If I teach you nothing else, please understand how important it is for kids to have about an hour of “No Screens” before they go to bed. They can look at a book, take a warm bath, play quietly in their room, anything that is relaxing for them. NO TV, ipad, Computer, video games, etc. This is the perfect opportunity to get them back into reading.

4. Make the routine before bed consistent. I’ve mentioned my “bath, book, bed” mantra in my blog on sleep. Kids function best when they have a consistent routine.

5. Tell ’em you love ’em, xoxo, and then it’s Lights Out!

For more information on kid’s sleep, please check out my blog Sleep is Crucial for Healthy Development.

I hope you and your family have enjoyed the summer and have been able to spend some quality family time together.

Remember, it’s all about Enjoying the Journey!! 😉

Sleep is Crucial for Healthy Development

/ Katie P. Tolley, RN, MSN, CPNP-PC / 3 Comments

Amount and quality of sleep impacts children in every aspect imaginable. Sleep is crucial for proper growth and development, as well as daily functioning. Sleep is essential for neural development, and even a modest decrease in adequate sleep can decrease cognitive ability. According to The Journal of Developmental and Pediatric Behavior, there is a link between preschoolers who sleep less than 10 hours a day and behavior problems.  There is a significant correlation between hyperactive and impulsive behavior and short sleep duration.

I meet many parents that don’t understand the importance of sleep. I have parents bring their kids in to be evaluated for ADHD  and one of the first things we discuss is sleep. If a child is having sleep problems, we need to help correct the sleep issues before thinking about ADHD as the problem, it could be sleep deprivation.

Some parents will tell me their child goes to bed when they get tired. REALLY?? I’m thinking this doesn’t usually go over well. This may work on rare occasions when the child goes to bed at a reasonable time and is following the bodies natural sleep signals. Most children have a natural “window” when they will exhibit signs of sleepiness; rubbing eyes, slowing of activity, etc. If the child doesn’t go to bed during this time, they have an adrenaline rush, which keeps them up for a few more hours, and way past their bedtime!

Children should be expected to sleep in their own bed, and have a good bedtime ritual and schedule from a very young age. Good sleep hygiene makes all the difference as children grow and develop into adulthood. I’m not an advocate of co-sleeping. It may work for some families, but most of the time, the kids disturb the parents, and the parents disturb the kids. I’m all for early morning cuddling, after everyone has had a good nights sleep.

Getting an inadequate amount of sleep actually leads to nighttime wakening. For a child that is having trouble sleeping through the night, it is important to make sure the child is actually getting enough sleep. When children are tired, they will actually show signs of hyperactivity and irritability rather than signs of being tired.

Are their medical reasons that a child may not sleep well?? YES!! Children with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder (ADHD) often have trouble falling asleep because they have trouble turning their brain off. When it comes to sleep and ADHD, each affects the other… ADHD can interfere with sleep, and sleep can make ADHD worse! Talk about a double edged sword…  When Josh was a baby we put him to bed with classical music for the first 2 years of his life, this worked wonders, but he decided he didn’t want it anymore when he was 2. Now, we use a “white noise” machine. If you are worried you child may have ADHD, check out my post Hyperactive or just busy…Could your child have ADHD?

Another medical problem that could interfere with adequate sleep is sleep apnea. Children that have allergies, causing swollen tonsils and adenoids, can have sleep apnea. For allergy info, check out Springtime & Sneezes…You might have allergies if… Children that  suffer from obesity are also high-risk for sleep apnea. Obesity can cause many other medical problems that I will address in a future post.

So, what can we do as parents to help our children get adequate sleep??

  • A good bedtime routine can help; bath, book, then bed is a common mantra of mine.
  • Read before bed, but read books for pleasure, or magazines, things that are of interest to the child. I love going into Joshua’s room at night and finding him asleep on top of his book! 🙂
  • Nightlights are helpful for young kids that have fears related to the dark, making it difficult for them to fall asleep.
  • NO TVs in the bedroom!! This cannot be emphasized enough, NO TV IN THE BEDROOM!!
  • Turn off all screens (TV, computer, ipod, phone texting, etc.) 1 hour before lights out.
  • a “white noise” machine, this is my kids favorite! You can get them with different sounds: rain, ocean, rain forest, waterfall, summer night, etc.

A child that doesn’t get enough sleep will be at risk for behavior problems, decreased immune function, increased irritability, inability to play independently, inability to learn from the environment, and interference with proper growth and development.  Lack of sleep can also increase a child’s risk for obesity, depression, diabetes, and cardiovascular disease.  It can also affect emotional well-being, performance, productivity, and cognitive ability. 

When I tell you about kids and sleep problems, I’m telling you not only from education but from experience. Joshua has had trouble falling asleep since he was a toddler.  Does it have anything to do with his ADHD? I’m sure it does. He could be the perfect case study of a child with proper sleep and then without.  He can be such a sweet, intelligent, polite, mannerly, inquisitive, interesting, funny guy. With no sleep, he turns into the Tasmanian devil.  He is whiny, irritable, fatigued, twirling his hair, and literally twirls in circles.  Wow, what a difference sleep can make. I have no doubt that Josh gets his sleep issues from genetics as well, I have problems with sleep sometimes too. My problems are because of a disease called fibromyalgia. Fibromyalgia severely impacts one’s sleep. Inadequate sleep makes fibromyalgia worse. Interesting how all of these medical conditions have a reciprocal impact on one’s sleep and one’s health.

Sleep is important for all of us! Make it a priority for your children and it will make your parenting journey a little bit easier…Promise! 😉

Sweet Dreams and don’t forget to Enjoy the Journey!

Small Dose #12 – SUNBLOCK IS A MUST!!

/ Katie P. Tolley, RN, MSN, CPNP-PC / Leave a comment

I think it goes without saying, SUNBURN CAN CAUSE CANCER!! 

Our children depend on us to keep them safe, don’t let them down when it comes to sun safety and their future! The burns that happen during childhood can put your child at greater risk for melanoma.

Here are a few simple rules to follow when you spend time in the sun:

    • Apply sunscreen liberally, and reapply about every 2 hours.
    • Put on a hat with a big brim.
    • Children under 6 months are not supposed to use sunscreen, so: keep them in the shade, and avoid the sun between 10-3 (this is when the sun is the strongest). 
    • Covering up with clothing is even better than putting on sunscreen. There is even clothing made with SPF.
    • Keep in mind that young children put everything in their mouths, so don’t put sunscreen on their hands.
    • Remember that even under an umbrella at the beach or pool, the sun reflects off the sand and the water, you will still need to apply and reapply.
    • Put sunglasses on your children, the sun causes cataracts, and melanoma can occur in the eye. And, kids think they are cool! 😉
    • If your child takes medication, make sure this doesn’t make them more sensitive to the sun. (i.e. tetracycline).
    • Stay hydrated by drinking plenty of fluids. For more information on hydration, check out Are You Thirsty? The importance of Hydration.

I thought I would share a picture of my girl (from a few years back) in one of her sunhats, this was my favorite!! I hope you are having a fun and safe summer! And, as always, remember to Enjoy the Journey! 🙂

Summer Safety Rule #1 – Always, Always, Always keep an eye on kids around water!!

/ Katie P. Tolley, RN, MSN, CPNP-PC / 2 Comments

Photo from Confession’s of a Dr. Mom blog post: “In the blink of an eye”

The story is always the same – “I only looked away for a second…” and the end of the story is complete tragedy. I couldn’t write a better post myself about how important Water Safety is for children, so I am sharing a post from Confessions of a Dr. Mom. NO ONE wants to live through the loss of a child by drowning.

When Drew was about 3 she wanted to “show off” for some colleagues I had over for an evening around the pool. She proceeded to go down the ladder in the deep end of our pool, saying, “Watch me swim!” Only problem, she couldn’t swim yet!! I was inside getting supplies for our evening and when I came out, my friend Abby was climbing out of the pool with her. It took less than a second worth of discussion from the adults to realize that Drew wasn’t able to swim. She swam a few feet away from the ladder, and then started to SINK!

There are so many stories about kids that just narrowly miss drowning because someone was being vigilant. There are too many stories about children that weren’t so lucky.

DON’T LET THIS HAPPEN TO YOUR FAMILY! BE VIGILANT!

I read a blog by a pediatrician that shares some lifesaving advice. Melissa shares some great “Water Safety Rules”. Read her post  In the Blink of an eye, it is truly eye opening!! Thanks for sharing such great advice, Melissa!

Toddlers need constant attention, the “touch” rule is a good one! Don’t let a split second mistake ruin your Journey!

Small Dose #11 – Just 10-15 minutes a day…

/ Katie P. Tolley, RN, MSN, CPNP-PC / Leave a comment

SPENDING TIME WITH YOUR CHILD IS THE SINGLE MOST IMPORTANT THING YOU CAN DO AS A PARENT!!

The one thing I keep seeing in my practice is children that aren’t getting enough time with Mom and/or Dad.  It is so obvious that kids just want to spend time with their parents. These children are sad and looking for attention, or are uncommunicative and withdrawn. I had a 10 year old come to her annual physical without a parent and ask me if I would like to go to her Talent Show. I almost cried. A 7 year old patient with behavior issues told Mom the one thing he would like the most as his reward for good behavior is time with Dad. Again, I had to hold back the tears….

When I see children that are happy, it correlates to time spent with Mom and/or Dad. When I come across kids that are not doing well, it seems to go back to no  1 on 1 time or not enough 1 on 1 time with their parents.

It is absolutely essential that kids get Mom and Dad’s time and attention every day.

Time spent together makes kids happier, healthier, more able to cope and builds self esteem. It takes as little as 10-15 minutes a day to make an impact on your child’s world. Time together decreases the chances of depression, anxiety, eating disorders and substance abuse.

Sure, there are many things that parents have to get done in a day, but time with children and family MUST be a priority! It doesn’t matter if you play a game, toss a ball around, go for a walk, or just sit down and talk. For ideas about what to do when you are together check out Being Together is Most Important

So, make time to be together every day! This will ensure that you and your children enjoy the journey! 🙂

Being Together is Most Important

/ Katie P. Tolley, RN, MSN, CPNP-PC / 2 Comments

Hi all, lately I haven’t had time to do much blogging, and figured I better catch up just a little. In the Springtime, there is just so much to do, but remembering to take time for yourself and your family is important! As a Pediatric Nurse Practitioner, I am very committed to keeping kids healthy, and the mental health of our children is just as important (if not more) than physical health. Make sure you take time to smell the roses with your family. Sometimes we need to schedule “unscheduled” time, which I wrote about in Leave the Schedule behind and Enjoy Family Time. When I think of what kinds of things the family can do to spend time together, the first thing I think of is planting flowers or a garden. This can be a task that requires time and attention for weeks to come, but the pay offs are BIG! It’s exciting and rewarding for kids to watch something grow and see the fruits of their labor! I LOVE to plant flowers, I’ll be sure to post some pictures after all the hard work is done.

Just a reminder – your kids just want to be with you! Giving yourself and your time is the best gift you can give your child. The love and attention of a parent builds trust, self confidence, and self-esteem!

My Family
(photo compliments of In His Grace Photography)

I thought I would make a list of some of the things that the family can do to spend time together:

  • plant flowers or a garden
  • go for a bike ride
  • go for a nature hike
  • prepare a meal together, homemade pizza is always a hit 😉
  • bake cookies (plain sugar cookies can lead to fun and creative decorating too)
  • have a picnic
  • play at the beach
  • go swimming
  • play a game; board games, charades, soccer, golf, the possibilities are endless
  • put a puzzle together
  • sing a song together
  • volunteer
  • draw or paint a picture
  • look at family pictures or make a new scrapbook
  • go camping, even if it’s in the backyard
  • fly a kite
  • visit friends or relatives
  • visit an amusement park
  • go bowling
  • read a story aloud for the whole family to enjoy
  • Just be together!!
What are some things that your family likes to do to spend quality time together?

Life is about enjoying the journey, not reaching a destination! Now, off to the flower shop, so we can make the yard beautiful! 🙂

Small Dose #10 – Take it back…

/ Katie P. Tolley, RN, MSN, CPNP-PC / Leave a comment

Have you ever said something and then immediately thought, I wish I could take that back?? I’m guessing your answer is Yes! 

We have all had those moments when we wish we could take back something we said.  I was chatting with a friend yesterday about the unfortunate reality that kids say things before they think, at least ours do. She introduced me to a cool parenting concept she calls “Take Backs”.    

Kellie told me when her kids say something that is inappropriate or out of line, she will look at them and give them a chance to take it back.  Her kids get only 1 “take back” a day. This gives them a chance to think about what they have said. If the behavior continues, all bets are off, and it’s mean mom time… Mean Moms are the best Moms is a post I wrote a few weeks ago. Mean Mom techniques are crucial for raising responsible, independent kids.

I think “take backs” is a wonderful idea. What a progressive, 21st century parenting tip, and it works!! If you ever met her kids, you would know they are being raised by a pretty good (single) mom. She says as a single mom she has to set guidelines, and stick to them. Her kids know that she means what she says! I think giving kids an opportunity to think about what they have said helps them learn to take some responsibility, and helps them build confidence and self esteem.

I thought this was a great idea, and wanted to share it with all of you! I think it could be especially helpful for my impulsive ADHD’er! I’ll be sure to share a few of her other secrets in future posts.

Good luck along your journey, and remember, we all say things we wish we could take back. Maybe focusing on this “take backs” concept will help our children actually think before they speak…Now wouldn’t that be nice! 😉

We MUST make them strong!!! Survival Skills for Raising a Daughter!

/ Katie P. Tolley, RN, MSN, CPNP-PC / Leave a comment

Oh my, friends! Today, I had a 16 year old patient that I am worried may be in an abusive relationship…  I want those of you that have daughters to understand how important it is to make sure they are physically and emotionally healthy enough to make it in this difficult society!

I’d like to share a list of things I have come up with to help us all raise strong, capable, confident, and emotionally secure daughters!

Here are a few tips:

  • Teach Do unto others, this is the ultimate golden rule! Treat her with respect and set the example when dealing with others!

    My girl

    My girl

  • Always tell your daughter that she is beautiful! Let her know that the most important beauty is on the inside!  
  • Always use manners! ‘Yes, please’ and ‘No, thank you’ show kindness and respect!
  • Communicate openly! Talk to your daughter often, and let her know you are always there to listen. Regardless of what she tells you, never act surprised, anything and everything is open for discussion. Remember, if she doesn’t talk to you, she will talk to someone else.
  • Explain that everyone has flaws, that is what makes us all human. As a parent, set an example, don’t criticize yourself or your self image. Children often follow in our footsteps.
  • Encourage her to pick the right friends. The “cool” girls are only cool if they are nice to other people. Teach your daughter that true friends respect her choices and decisions and won’t make her feel inferior or left out.
  • Encourage involvement in sports and other group activities. Sports, playing an instrument, girl scouts, etc. teaches life skills and builds self confidence.
  • Teach your daughter to dress appropriately. It is best to leave what is underneath covered up, only to be discovered by someone that truly cares and respects her.
  • Limit social media! Today’s children can be cruel, and social media is an easy outlet for bullying.
  • Encourage your daughter to speak for herself. Don’t speak for her! Allowing her to speak and express herself prepares her for the future.
  • Teach your daughter that knowledge is power. Doing well in school really does pay off when it comes time to prepare for the future.
  • Encourage her to Read!! Reading makes you smarter!
  • Encourage her to bring her friends home to meet you. This will pay off when the boyfriends start coming around. Meeting your daughter’s friends is crucial to knowing what is going on in her world.

These are just some suggestions, please feel free to let me know of any suggestions you have to help us all raise healthy and happy young women!

Now, let me tell you why I felt so strongly about sharing this information with you. I am hopeful that Janie isn’t in as bad a situation that I fear she may be….

Janie came in because she had an “eye that was bruised” from hitting it on a table picking up her baby’s bottle. Janie is 16, has a 4 month old daughter, and was brought in by her fiance, aka, her baby daddy. When I first walked into the room Janie didn’t say a word, but the guy with her asked “how long would she look like that?” I informed him that bruises can take a couple weeks to go away. He immediately said that he needed me to write a note to keep her out of school for a week or two until this went away, because “he had a reputation to uphold!” Red flags immediately went off in my mind!! HE had a reputation to uphold… I refused to write an excuse to keep her out of school for something that is not contagious. Her education was important, and this bruise did not interfere with her learning. I continued, saying that appearances are not how we judge people. Someone’s value and self worth is not from outward appearances, but from what they can give to those around them and their community. He shrugged, and gave me a “humph” and it was obvious he didn’t like my answers. Janie proceed to tell me she had a little bit of pressure and watering from the eye, but otherwise was fine. Her fiance proceeded to tell me that he was going to move Janie a few states away to where his family was after she finished high school. At this point, all kinds of warning bells were going off in my head.  I had to figure out a way to talk to Janie one on one!!

I was worried that Janie was in an abusive relationship! How could I help???  I’m not sure why, but Janie’s fiance left the room, and I took my opportunity. I told Janie I had looked up the ER report and was not worried that there was something serious going on with her eye. I did ask her if anyone had ever hit her or hurt her? She said no, and the ER asked the same thing. I told her that I thought her fiance seemed a little controlling, and NO ONE should control another person!! I encouraged her to consider her situation. I also told her that emotional abuse is just as bad as physical abuse, and she should be in control of what goes on in her life. I invited her to come back and talk with me at anytime if someone hurt her or if she was worried about being in a relationship that she needed help getting out of. Janie responded by asking, “What’s your name again?” I told her, and she smiled, and said “Thanks.” I hope I see Janie again soon, and hope that I can help….

I am sharing this with you because odds are at least 1/2 of you are raising daughters.  There are too many young women in our society that end up in physically or emotionally abusive relationships. 

As parents, it is our job to raise daughter’s that are strong enough to avoid partners that are going to be abusive or controlling.

And, if you are raising a son, make sure you teach him to treat girls with respect at an early age. Raising strong, confident, mentally healthy men is a huge responsibility too, but that’s for another post. 😉

No one said it was going to be easy, but I can promise you it will be worth all the effort and hard work! Enjoy the journey! 😉

Mean Moms are the Best Moms

/ Katie P. Tolley, RN, MSN, CPNP-PC / 6 Comments

“I loved you enough . . . to ask where you were going, with whom, and what time you would be home.
I loved you enough to be silent and let you discover that your new best friend was a creep.
I loved you enough to stand over you for two hours while you cleaned your room, a job that should have taken 15 minutes.
I loved you enough to let you see anger, disappointment, and tears in my eyes. Children must learn that their parents aren’t perfect.
I loved you enough to let you assume the responsibility for your actions even when the penalties were so harsh they almost broke my heart.
But most of all, I loved you enough . . . to say NO when I knew you would hate me for it.
Those were the most difficult battles of all. I’m glad I won them, because in the end you won, too.
And someday when your children are old enough to understand the logic that motivates parents, you will tell them.”

I saw this poem in a pediatrician’s office when Joshua was a baby, and immediately knew these were words to live by. I was once again reminded of it today when a friend of mine called me for some Mom advice. I’ve told y’all that I started this blog because many of my friends call me for advice about their kids health and parenting issues. I never mind sharing my perspective and professional advice with a friend. I think we should all help each other.

As I’ve said before, It takes a village to raise a child, and it really does!!! 🙂

housewifeToday when I got a call from CC’s mom and heard what was going on, I knew I needed to do some clean up work, and fast. Mom’s mental health and stability is crucial for a happy, healthy family!!  CC is 13.5 months old, and one of the cutest little girls you would ever want to meet. She has a handsome, athletic Papa, and a beautiful, smart, strong, athletic, determined, and caring Momma. 😉 From the beginning, CC has given her parents many happy moments, and also a few challenging moments along their parenting journey. I remember going over in the first few weeks and helping CC and her Momma get the breastfeeding challenges under control. I told Mom at the time this was going to be a very head-strong little girl. I could tell from the beginning that she was going to learn how to do things her way. Today’s phone call let me know once again how head-strong and smart little CC is going to be. Even though she can’t say anything yet, CC made it known that she wanted to spend more time with her grandmother than mom by pushing away and saying what sounded like ‘Go away’….Can you say Heartbreak!! 😦 CC isn’t really talking yet, but we are thinking her first words were ‘Go away.’ When Mom called me, she had been processing this for a little while and just couldn’t believe her baby girl’s first words might actually be Go Away.

What this tells me is that Miss CC is S.M.A.R.T!! She has already figured out that spending time with a grandparents is all fun and games! Children learn very early on how to wrap those grandparents right around their little finger. Unfortunately, Mommy and Daddy don’t have this same luxury. Mothers and fathers have to be the disciplinarians. Parenting is NOT always fun. Children depend on their parents to set boundaries, create limits, and teach them what the real world is all about.  Mom and Dad don’t have all day to sit and play; they have to prepare meals, clean, do laundry, and work all while keeping up with the daily routine of life. So, playing all day is out of the question. Kids learn very early that they can get away with so much more with grandparents than parents, and they definitely use this to their advantage. Mom referred to CC as Miss Independence. I agreed with her, and told her that the text books really do call this developmental stage “Miss Independence.” Yes, there is no doubt where CC gets her smarts. 😉

I tell the working  mom’s I know that they really have 2 jobs, but only one of those jobs pays a salary. I tell the Moms that stay home that they have the hardest non-paying job ever. Motherhood is the hardest thing we will ever do… EVER!  Being a mother is the most thankless job you will ever have, but you really won’t care.  There is a saying that motherhood is like having your heart walk around outside your chest …how very, very true!

Being a mom does not mean you are your child’s friend. You can be their friend when they grow up and realize what a great person you are, and what a good mom you have been. Being a mom does not mean that you will do your child’s homework, they have to learn how to solve problems on their own. If they don’t struggle a little with learning, how will they ever persevere when things get tough.  Do not allow your child to think they are better than someone else. Being a mom means that you will discipline your child when they start to act inappropriately to another person. If children are not taught right from wrong, they will not learn what is right or wrong.  A mom should not let you talk disrespectfully to other people. A mom will make you use your manners, even if people are unkind. All of these Mean Mom things are going to help your child cope with the world around them, and build their confidence and self esteem. I could go on and on, but I think you get my point. And, yes, there are times, that you can let your guard down and just have fun with your children.

So, to my friend, I hope you are feeling better about being a Mean Mom. You are doing a fabulous job along this challenging  journey called Parenthood. Keep up the good work!! CC will thank you someday. 😉

As Mean Moms, we are teaching our children what is right and helping them become better people.

Mean moms are the world’s best moms! The world needs more mean moms on this journey, don’t you agree??